I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.