Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose