can I use a minion as a tampon
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listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…