Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
You Might Also Like
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no