Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*jingles half the way*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes