i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
According to math, I’m broke
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.