Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
You Might Also Like
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
There are no pants in heaven.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.