I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
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[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
termite twitter scares me
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.