We decided to have money instead of children.
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Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Cause of death: Zumba
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.