I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
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Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.