Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
lmfao come on
Breaking news:
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
What the hell happened here.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
🤣dope
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.