I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
This could be us but you eatin’
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
me irl
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.