I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
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Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen