My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
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One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied