The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
We decided to have money instead of children.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?