I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.