Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
when u come home smelling like another dog
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.