Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
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In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Jail