I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
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Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Social Media and Real life
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor