You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
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As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.