Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
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Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that