Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift