her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
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*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?