Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[at the general store]
me: one general please
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”