Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*