Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
You Might Also Like
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people