I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?