Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
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“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30