A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
set yourself free xox
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.