As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
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I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park