*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.