1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
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This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.