Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
rapatouille
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
That lamp looks PISSED.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…