My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉