*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Breaking news:
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?