Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
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Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
My first son he is wonderful
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
my mom making me talk to relatives
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.