Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
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I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
bad news gang
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
craving $300 all of a sudden
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.