If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
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Seductively sings in Klingon.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I put the hot in psychotic.
Catering service
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
calling in to work dehydrated
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.