A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Why is everyone getting married at me
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice