“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
subtitles are so good nowadays
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?