Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
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Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
#Thanos #MondayMood
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo