Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Rich people don’t understand cereal
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
my mom making me talk to relatives
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.