Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
This January has 47 Mondays
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season