I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
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Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
People buying plungers never look happy.