*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
accurate
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.