if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
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According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?