Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
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Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I ate everything, including the H.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures