Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
You Might Also Like
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam