More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
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The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…