Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
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Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
bears
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.